As I stood outside of the airport in Redding praying that she was okay and dialing her number one more time before I resorted to calling the emergency contact number I had saved for the family she had moved in with, I remember asking God to keep me in His peace.
“Hey mom!”
“Christian…are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m on my way. I’ll be there in about 10 minutes. Sorry, we got caught up and our group ran over.”
“Oh, okay well I am waiting outside so I will see you when you get here.”
At this point my flight had been in for almost an hour and I just couldn’t process that the daughter I had left 8 months ago was the same person that had left me sitting here. I was so hurt, but who could I talk to about it? I couldn’t talk to anyone about it because it wouldn’t make any sense because it made no sense to me. I had moved away from my family in 2009 and each time one of my parents would come for a visit I was waiting with excited anticipation hours before their arrival and I would try to do something to make it extra special with some sort of surprise every time they came. I told myself that I was over-reacting and pushed my hurt aside. I just had to smile and look forward to our visit! I had rented the same Airbnb that we had stayed in when we got there back in August last year so I was excited to go shopping and get groceries to make some of her favorite meals that I was sure she had missed and to stay up late talking and just catching up.
We got to “The Resting Place” and we unloaded my bags and it quickly became evident that she didn’t have a bag with her. She wasn’t going to spend the night with me. She said she knew that I would be tired with the long day of flights and the time difference. She was going to take me to get some things from the grocery and something to eat, but she wasn’t going to spend the night. Devastated.
Journal Entry May 4th 2017: It’s my first morning at The Resting Place in Redding. I’m here for Christian’s first year graduation. It has been rough so far on my emotions. It has been one of the darkest most silent seasons of the last decade. I feel as if I am buried to my chin in the muck and unable to move or break free. I can see–I can see all of those around me moving about freely with ease. I can hear their excitement at all that You are doing in their lives-I hear them say over and over again that it is a season of victory! I want to cry out…hey over here, help me. Can you see me? The pressure is too great. All I can manage is the weakest whisper…Jesus-I trust you. They do not hear me. They do not see me. But You, You see me. You hear me. I remind myself who you are. I remind myself of what I know to be true. Each time, I try to breathe and I cannot get the breath in deep enough, I remind myself and this works…it works to keep the panic from overtaking me.
Christian and I spent some time together on my first full day there. We went shopping for something for her to wear to her graduation and we had lunch together. It was nice to catch up with her, but there was something different in our conversations. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. Our conversations before were so easy and they just flowed with the Holy Spirit, but now they were a little difficult. There seemed to be and undercurrent of anger or resentment in her towards me. It was so deep that I could barely discern it, but it was there. It seemed as if she resented me being there and taking up her time, but at the same time wanted me there. I would leave my time with her feeling confused, disappointed and most of all sad.
Journal Entry May 5th 2017: “Do not mistake the shaking. The shaking is leading to another level of chains breaking.” This was a portion of the word for the day and I trust you Lord. I trust that you are in the shaking. Give me eyes to see and ears that hear. Give me wisdom and discernment in what you are doing. Do not let me be deceived. Keep me in the secret place. It is You Lord. It has always been You and it will always be You. I choose You. No other options…No plan B. You are my choice-Your truth-Your heart-drawing me and pursuing me. You are my anchor-the one who causes me to fix my gaze and not look to another-you keep me steadfast-you hold my heart-you draw upon my spirit-you keep me standing-you alone are my one-the I AM-strengthen me-set me ablaze-let your fire consume me. My hopes and expectations are in you. Nothing can measure the depths of your love for me. You have my all-I will continue to seek you and find you. I will continue to knock and know that you will open up to me. Move or move me. If you do not show yourself mighty on my behalf, then I die here, but I will not choose to make my own way. I know that your grace is sufficient. Cover me with your hand. Lead me with your eye. Do not let me be stubborn as the mule. Keep me soft and pliable to your hand alone. Renew in me the passion and the fire to continue the race. I choose to rest in you as I run.
I drove over to see the Pacific Ocean while I was there this time and it was such a beautiful and peaceful drive, but I wished she was with me. I walked through the park at the sundial bridge and spent time in prayer and enjoyed the beauty of the gardens and the watched the river as groups of people were fly fishing, but again I was alone. I sat in the garden at The Resting Place and listened to worship music and enjoyed the beauty of the grapefruit tree in full fruit behind the house, and again I was alone. I walked the neighborhood and had breakfast at the diner by myself. I spent a week in Redding and most of it I was by myself. We did a few things together, but not the week of reconnecting with her that I had expected at all. She didn’t spend one night with me and those meals that I was excited to cook for her…I ate by myself.
I should have known that she would be busy with end of year stuff with her friends and school when I booked the trip. I should have known better. This is what I told myself. She wasn’t any different. It was just timing.
