I hope that in being transparent and sharing some of my vulnerable moments with just me and the Father in my quiet time that it will encourage someone that might be going through a difficult time. He is looking for a relationship with us. He wants us to pour out what we are thinking and feeling and then allow Him to minister to us. He loves us and wants to bring us into intimacy that is greater than anything we have ever experienced with another.
Journal Entry March 21 2017: I am struggling so! You Oh Lord are my anchor-I know that you are near. I will not flail about-I will not run to and fro-I will stand steadfast in the truth that you will respond-you will lead and you will answer me as I cry out to you. Where Lord? Which way? What am I doing here? Where have you placed us? Why were we sent here? We long to be what you created us to be in each place that you send us and in each season. I will choose not to fear and I will trust that help is on the way. I will praise you at all times. Always I will stand with you. You are my hope and my strength-my constant song. I choose to keep my eyes on you. Your promises are true and I will wait upon your wisdom-you said it-if we lack wisdom, we should ask and you will give it. I am without wisdom in this season-give me the wisdom from your heart-the only wisdom that I could ever desire. I will not be discouraged. I will not allow hopelessness to have a place. Breakthrough and victory are mine. You Oh Lord are my refuge. I will hide myself away in the cleft of the rock-you are my rock-my firm foundation. Until I know which way to move, I will hide myself in you. We will not build on anything but you. If you are not in it-we reject it. You are more precious to me than anything that this world has to offer.
March 25 was my birthday and I didn’t really have much that I wanted to celebrate. Christian texted me that night and said that she had mentioned that it was my birthday at her small group. A few of the people from her group had a words for me. There was one in particular that stuck out to me because it was if this person knew exactly what I had been crying out to God for in my quiet time.
“Doors of opportunity are going to open and I believe you have tried many before, but they didn’t open. Don’t let that discourage you. The Lord opens doors that nobody else can open and he closes doors that nobody else can close. You have been so faithful in your pursuit of what He is calling you towards. And I see that the more you are going to follow Him in faith, you are going to see things that seem to be all over the place come into alignment. His rewards for you are going to be tremendous. I also feel like you are a wealth of wisdom and also a large carrier of His presence and glory. That you are a walking encounter for so many. Your strength and courage inspire others.”
It was encouragement I needed for one more day. The days were so dark. Heaven was silent.
Journal Entry April 17 2017: Do not stop speaking to me Lord. Give me ears that hear what the Spirit of the Lord is saying. Give me eyes that see with clarity the kingdom at hand. Keep me on the path you have set before me-my refuge-my strength-my heart. Protect me from the enemies that seem to encamp all around me. Keep from the deceptions that rage-from my own mind and from those speaking around me…most of all do not let me deceive myself. Make me a lover of your truth-always….and one who always extends mercy. Do not let me be deceived by those who love lies-even my own foolishness. Let the fire of your presence burn within me-refining all that you have created me to be-bring forth the pure gold of your likeness within me. This season has been the darkest yet. The oppression almost more than I can stand at times, but one thing I know-one thing that keeps me together-you are here. You my constant companion. You my very breath. You who will never leave me. I am not alone. I cling to you. I remind myself of your promises. I am not moved by the ebb and flow. The Rock upon which I have been built is unmovable…unshakable. I praise you because you are worthy. I love you because you are love. I give you my yes all over again. I choose to face the trials set before me as training ground. I am an over-comer because you overcame! I am victorious because you were the victor! I am royalty because you are the King! Help me to understand what I have not been able to understand in the past…wisdom of my Father come forth in me.
May was finally here and I was so excited to get to California and see Christian for her graduation! I don’t know if words can express the excitement I was feeling on the plane rides out there. I prayed that there would be no delays because I don’t think I could have handled it! I couldn’t find a flight that was fast enough for me. I had 3 different flights on my way out there, but the last one was only a short 30 min flight and it was finally here. I was on the plane and sitting in my seat trying to concentrate on the book in my lap, but it was no use.
As I reflect back on it, I think I thought that if I could spend some time with her that we could have some prayer time and some worship time like we used to have and maybe this dark season I had been in would finally be broken.
The Redding airport is very small and if you are waiting inside for someone to arrive, you can see them getting off of the plane so I made sure I was in the first row, first seat so I could be the first one off of the plane. It seemed like it took forever for them to let us off of the plane. I am sure it was only a few minutes, but it seemed like an eternity. I’m not a runner, but I did walk as fast I could into the airport expecting to see her waiting at the front of the group of people waiting to pick up their family and friends. I didn’t see her and the first wave of disappointment hit me. I walked on into the crowd thinking that she had probably decided to sit down and wait…not there and the second crack…more disappointment. She probably wanted to miss the crowd and went on to the baggage claim…nope. Now I am worried because clearly something must be wrong. She must have been in an accident. I begin trying to call her and she isn’t answering. I wait on my bag and then I walk outside. Everyone is getting picked up and the airport is clearing out. I have called her several times and she isn’t answering. No disappointment at this point, I am beginning to panic and I am not a worrier, but clearly something serious is wrong because she wouldn’t leave me waiting at the airport and not answer my calls. We have been planning this for months.
