As I sit down to write this morning, I have been thanking God for His timing in all things. Though it is very difficult to wait and to watch as God works in the lives of those we love, we have to trust that He is using difficult situations to build something in them. He is using it to strip away something in them. He promises to use all things for His good for those that love Him and are called according to His purpose. If you can’t hold on to anything else, you can hold on to this promise, that He is working for the good of the one you are praying for.
I woke up early on the last morning of our road trip to Redding, I was sad and excited at the same time. I was so full of emotions and the only place I know to take them is to my Father so I went out on the balcony of our hotel in Bakersfield California and I poured it all out to Him. At this point, we still were not sure where she would be living when we got to Redding later that day. We had left Florida with no idea where she would live, but we had found a family that rented rooms out to Bethel students the day before so we were scheduled to meet with them when we arrived in the area.
Journal Entry August 19th 2016: Good morning my Lord. Today we wake up in Bakersfield and prepare for the last leg of this journey to Redding. I am excited to see where Christian may be living and to meet this family that she will be staying with. I praise you and I thank you for the trust that we can have in your ways and your leading. I will continue to cry out to you-thy will be done! Let your kingdom invade this place. Let your perfect will be done in this time and this place. Let heaven invade the atmosphere as we drive. Let us be ones that carry your presence each place we go.
As I sat quietly and just listened for Him to speak to me, He directed me to Jeremiah 1:5-10 and simply said that this is for Christian. It was a reminder of words that had been spoken over her life in the past few years and a promise I would need to hold on to in the months to come.
“I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb.
Before you were born I set you apart
and appointed you as my prophet to the nations.”
6 “O Sovereign Lord,” I said, “I can’t speak for you! I’m too young!”
7 The Lord replied, “Don’t say, ‘I’m too young,’ for you must go wherever I send you and say whatever I tell you. 8 And don’t be afraid of the people, for I will be with you and will protect you. I, the Lord, have spoken!” 9 Then the Lord reached out and touched my mouth and said,
“Look, I have put my words in your mouth!
10 Today I appoint you to stand up
against nations and kingdoms.
Some you must uproot and tear down,
destroy and overthrow.
Others you must build up
and plant.”
Christian and I arrived in Redding that afternoon and it was beautiful. We loved the family that she would be moving in with so we were both excited to get started with the move-in preparations. We spent the week exploring the town, putting in some applications for her a part time job, buying the things she needed for her room and just enjoying the last week together before I flew back to Florida.
During this period of time, Holy Spirit had been showing me that Michael and I would be moving back to Ohio and it was not at all what I wanted to hear and I desperately hoped I was wrong. On the drive out to Redding Christian had a dream that she shared with me where we were back in the house we owned in Ohio. We were in ministry with young adults in our home and she was there, my youngest daughter Lexi was there and a young man that we had taken in as our own was also there, but she didn’t know who he was. It was another confirmation for me of the things that were beginning to shift and change for us in this next season.
For the first couple of months Christian and I would talk every single day. She was excited to share with me what was going on with her out in California. She was being challenged to step out in new areas of faith and to trust God for her provision on a daily basis. As time went on, I noticed that I was hearing from her less and less and it troubled me, but I pushed my concern aside and I told myself that I had to let her go and trust God that she was learning to find her way.
As we prepared to leave Florida and move back to Ohio, I was missing my talks with her so much. I would try to share with her, but there was so much distance and she wasn’t here and experiencing it so I just began counting the days until I would see her for graduation in May. I was going to fly out for a week and then she was coming back to Ohio for a week to visit. It was only December, but May couldn’t get here fast enough for me.
In October 2016 we moved back to Ohio. Jacob had stayed in Florida. Christian was in California. Lexi was really struggling with the move back to Ohio. I could’t find my footing here. I had been gone for almost 8 years and it felt like I didn’t belong anymore. I was not the same person that I was when I left in 2009 and I didn’t know how to start life here again. This began one of the darkest and most difficult wilderness seasons that I have ever experienced in my life.
Journal Entry February 9 2017: Here I am Lord-in search of the secret place. I seek out that which I have been unable to find recently. I knock on that which is unopened to me-asking in expectation of your answer. So lost. So lost in this never-ending sea of silence. My own voice screams back at me as I turn about in a whirlwind that I must assume I have created on my own. How did I end up here I ask myself-Hello? Hello? Hello? Is anyone listening? Can anyone hear my silent plea? You Lord…you alone can hear what I do not say. The silence is deafening. Speak my Father and let me hear. Move and let me see. What are we doing here? Where are those that You are sending to us? Where do I belong in this place? What would you have me do?
As I sit waiting to hear what He would say, I see my self sitting in expectation before a closed door…and silence.
