Over the last 15 months as I have prayed and asked God for answers, there have been moments when I have questioned everything that I have ever known to be true and there have been moments when I have known God’s strength more than I ever thought possible. He continues to remind me each day that He alone is my constant source. Isaiah 43:2 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.
As the months and weeks of preparation for Christian to leave for California turned into days, my heart was heavy at times as I grieved the changes, but I knew that I had to let her go. I cherished every minute that we got to spend together in those last weeks. I was facing so many lasts and they were coming at me so fast that I almost couldn’t process them. The last Sunday at church with her on the worship team. The last Tuesday night with the women’s group (The Pearls) with her by my side. The last Saturday ladies day with Lexi, Yolonda and Christian. The last night that I would fall asleep hearing her play her guitar worshiping in her room. The last sleep-over with Christian, Lexi and Jayda at my house.
I believed that within the three years that she would be in school at BSSM in California, she would meet her future husband and get married. If we ever lived in the same state again, she wouldn’t be coming back home as my little girl and I was so excited to see what God had in store for her! I couldn’t wait to meet the man that I knew God had been preparing for her since before she was born. I had been praying for him for years and then Christian and I began to pray for him together when one of us would sense that he might be in a struggle of faith.
The week before we were to leave for California, I felt very strongly that I needed to have a talk with Christian so we sat and talked about what God had done with her and how He had used her up to this point. I reminded her of the foundation that she had been given and that her strength came directly from her relationship with her Father and that she needed to remember not only WHO she was, but WHOSE she was. She might come up against different opinions and differing religious beliefs as she went to BSSM, but none of that mattered. She needed to hold fast to the truth of God’s word that had been planted in her and to not let go of her foundation no matter how far away she was. I knew as I was having this talk with her that it was not only a reminder to her, but it was a warning to her. As I have reflected back on this conversation, I have questioned myself to see if I felt any fear and the honest answer is…No. I knew WHO she was and WHOSE she was. I had watched her stand for what God was telling her to do even when it cost her relationships, friends, ministry opportunities, isolation from her peers and siblings and being ostracized even with other believers.
I had our trip to California all mapped out and we were both very excited for our drive out west. We were driving about 500 miles a day and just enjoying the drive and site-seeing along the way. I don’t remember which day of the trip it was, but we were listening to “gods at war” by Kyle Idleman. If you don’t know the book, it is about idols in our lives that are constantly at war for our attention and taking the place of God in our lives. Something that he said really made me stop and think, so I had to hit pause and I said to Christian, “wow, did you hear that? That is so true.” Christian kind of shrugged a little and says, “it was okay, but this book really isn’t speaking to me. I guess I don’t really struggle with this.” I was a little surprised and made a mental note to pray about that later in my quiet time. I remember wondering to myself how it could be something that she had figured out at 20 when I was 42 and still had to make a decision every day to make Christ number one over all of the other things that were screaming for my attention. Will I fast when He calls me to fast or will I allow food to be an idol in my life? Will I come when He calls me to the Secret Place at 3 AM or will I allow sleep to be an idol? Will I go into the prayer room for quiet time when I really just want to sit in front of the TV and have a mindless evening? So many idols offered up each day that I have to choose not to allow to reign in my life, so what I know the truth is, is that she didn’t have it figured out. It was a huge RED FLAG that there was an issue and I just hadn’t seen the manifestation of it yet, but it wouldn’t be long.
This is where I can get in my own head and drive myself crazy! Why didn’t I see this coming? Where did I go wrong? Could I have helped her in some way along the way if I had seen the cracks forming? How could we have all been so wrong about what we saw for her in California?
