Today, I have been in prayer and thinking a lot about the direction that my life has taken over the last few years. It is certainly not the way I expected it to look, but is it ever? Funny how life has a way of twisting and turning. I keep climbing and trusting and seeking and knocking. This I know…He will answer me. I am in the midst of one of the greatest trials of my life, but I will continue to stand and hold onto the promises of my ABBA. Jeremiah 33:3 Call to Me and I will answer and tell you great and unsearchable tings you do not know.
“I was horrified as I looked out over the canal in our backyard! Was that Christian swimming across the canal? Doesn’t she know that there are alligators in there? I ran out the back door and began to yell out to her, “Christian, what are you doing? Get out of there! It is too dangerous.” She looks back at me over her shoulder, but she keeps swimming. She yells out to me, that she is fine. “Can’t you see it mom? It is so pretty. I just need to touch it.” She is swimming towards a cluster of floating flowers that look to be made of clouds on the other side of the water, but they are too pretty. I have never seen anything like them. Just as her hand touches them, I realize what has happened to her. She has been deceived and lured into the canal for an attack. I begin to run as she turns to swim back to us unaware of the huge eyes that have come up out of the water behind her. I feel helpless and terrified as I slide down the hill screaming for her to get out of the water. “It is an alligator Christian! Those weren’t flowers.” I am sobbing and running, falling and trying to get to her. I see my other daughter Lexi jump in the water and grab Christian’s hands just as the alligator grabs onto her feet.”
I woke up to my own scream. My heart was beating so fast that I thought I was going to be sick. We had been praying about whether or not Christian should step out into this new opportunity of ministry and I felt that this was our answer. I shared the dream with her and we believed that what was being presented appeared to be nice and pretty on the outside, but it was a trap from the enemy. She declined the offer and we went on. Crisis averted right? WRONG!
Oh how wrong I was. How I wish that I had seen the bigger picture. Could I have stopped this Lord? Could I have changed where we are today? Would I change it if I could? All of the questions overtake me some days.
That dream was back in late 2014 and we are now in the middle of 2018 and I am watching it happen. I feel just as helpless and terrified most days as I did in the midst of the terrible dream. My daughter has become a stranger to me and I cannot reach her. Each day is a battle between my flesh and my spirit. My flesh is in a heap on the floor crying out to God that I am not sure that I will be able to recover from the wounds that are being inflicted on an almost daily basis. My spirit stands and says, I will love unconditionally, I will not give up on her, I will hold onto the promises that have been spoken over her life and I will call out to her spirit every day. So, each day I stand and I cry out to her…”Christian, Come Home! Christian, Come Home! Christian, Come Home! Your Abba loves you and He is waiting on your return.” I of course do not say this to her because it would only come up against the wall of indifference that has become so familiar in the last 15 months, but I yell it out in my prayer room and I write it out in my journal. I know that her spirit hears me because she has the same spirit that I have and He has not left her.
In her early teenage years, Christian turned her life over to God completely. She gave Him her YES and she began to transform from a hurt and confused pre-teen into a young woman who was learning who she was in God. She was full of love and kindness. She had found the secret to coming into the secret place with her Abba and not leaving until He touched her. She would come out with the most beautiful worship that was straight from the Father’s heart. It had a way of bringing healing and deliverance to the very area that you were hurting each and every time she began to worship. Her worship was from His heart to your wounds and it was beautiful and powerful and prophetic.
In 2016 Christian made the decision to move to California and attend the Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry (BSSM). We were all very excited for her to step out in faith and make this huge move in following the plan that God had for her life. I was also very sad at the same time. I was moving one of my closest friends and spiritual confidants across country and I knew in my spirit that it would never be the same again.
